walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
