I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
