I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
