Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
