Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
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I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
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Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
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