Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I party with great urgency now.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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