Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
We left the knife in your bed.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.