You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
It's never too late to be topless.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.