my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
