God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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