even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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