Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
