Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
