Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
