I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
