guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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