I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
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