Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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