Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Randomize
