My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
