I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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