I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Randomize
