My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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