Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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