can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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