I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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