I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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