What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
