I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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