wrigley field is MILF paradise
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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