and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
