the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
