I can text with my tongue
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
