when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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