woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Randomize
