I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
