Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
