the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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