You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Randomize
