k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
