I am in a vortex of obligation.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
My vagina just recognized that song.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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