I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
