I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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