I love black thongs
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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