So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
