i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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