someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
