Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
