Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
that may or may not have been my penis.
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