so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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