i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
True strength comes from lack of pants
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
