I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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