Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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