I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
