How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
