i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
