I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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